Talk about a botch job.
This Thursday, in an effort to grow the league's international appeal, the O2 arena in London will host a regular season NBA game. However, the NBA scheduling and marketing departments really should have thought about the overseas appeal of the teams picked to play in this game.
If the soccer model is what the European demographic is accustomed to, basketball matches up quite well. Constant possession change, star players that become the face of franchise, flopping; it should be an easy sell.
Yet, the accompanying themes may be too immature for the refined European palate. Arsenal, Chelsea, West Ham, Crystal Palace. Mature, serious, regal. These teams have been woven into the fabric of the society. The teams feature corporate sponsors that are so successful that they can afford the prime real estate on the center of team’s jerseys. Meanwhile the teams feature accompanying graphics that draw upon the aged, romanticized architecture from yesteryear. These teams are older than America, founded during the height of a jolly good run at an empire, and feature businesses very much in the now. Nostalgia and relevance all at once.
By contrast, basketball imagery is cartoonish. This, is ultimately what fans buy, since 26-29 teams have no chance of winning on a given year. Two thirds of the teams feature a basketball on their basketball jerseys. Well those Yankees aren't really known for being subtle, are they?
If you work for the league who are you putting on the sponsored Instagram ad? Which teams will have the draw you’re looking for and could possibly sustain interest in London? The NBA really should have tried to look these teams through the lens of someone from London.
Houston Rockets; Ok, these Americans are proud of their contribution to a global cause, something some never thought possible (Kyrie Irving still doesn't I think? Who?).
Detroit Pistons; Ok, America holding on to the glory days of their country, when the auto industry was booming. Hey, I know the feeling.
Indiana Pacers; Well the team’s named after this thing in another sport, that’s like F1 but they go in circles instead a couple hundred times. So this team name is derived from some small thing in some other sport that you only catch glimpses of if you were to watch that sport, and that sport is a derivative from some other sport that we know? Actually I don't know about all this.
Brooklyn Nets; A team is named the Nets? I guess the Brooklyn Basketballs would be a little too on the nose. Alright I’m officially out.
No, no, wait we have this zany family, it’s kinda like your royal family. One son is already kind of a star and the other two will never reach the same heights, and create international incidents. You guys have a similar shtick right? Yeah yea ok, what’s their name?
Alright fuck you.
When you look at the NBA or even all of the American sports leagues like this I would not be surprised if someone thought the Tune Squad was a real team (or furthermore the Mighty Ducks, er wait).
Now while this isn't the first match the NBA is sending overseas, this is, hands down, the hardest sell possible.
I’m a young lad in London that wouldn't mind seeing the basketball match taking place in my backyard that I keep hearing about. It’s an American League but they have Canadian team, and apparently it has some international players. One player roots for Arsenal? Ok maybe America is coming around.
Ok so whomst do I root for? Well the green accents on white jerseys remind me of tennis players a little. Where are they from? Let’s google.
“Wiki related; Boston Tea party. Event that sparked the American revolution which lead to a nice bookend of the English empi…”
Oh and the team’s theme is Irish heritage. Classless, crude, ungrateful Irish that couldn't just be thankful for what we gave them. Fuckin’ ell mate.
Ok so the blue team has stars on their jerseys, it’s a bit much innit. But let’s see what they’re about then. Where are they from? Well what do I look up, score board says “76ers” and their jerseys say “Sixers,” is that the same team? Or are they in different leagues, like one is MLS or something? They only have one tiny sponsor on their jersey. They can’t be good. Ok ok but why “76”? So this team’s mascot is the year that America declared independence from England because apparently that’s where they filed the paperwork. I think I’d rather try that hockey thing with the ducks.
By: Zach Taylor, Staff Sports Columnist
ANSWER KEY
2. Notable basketball player, that may or may not be a flat earther this week
3. NASCAR
4. A franchise formerly owned by Mr. Gerald Ducksworth, but has since been sold to Henry Samueli after a court case determined Ducksworth did not in fact earn it.
5. Joel Embiid
5. Joel Embiid
6. Turns out, England owned Ireland too at one point!
8. This answer key has been provided because the writer is a "yank"
